


Limerence

by DorianHavilliard, misseyre



Category: tronnor - Fandom
Genre: Connor Franta - Freeform, Fanfiction, M/M, Tronnor, YouTube, tronnor au, troye sivan - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-23
Updated: 2016-05-26
Packaged: 2018-05-28 14:41:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6333091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DorianHavilliard/pseuds/DorianHavilliard, https://archiveofourown.org/users/misseyre/pseuds/misseyre
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>lim • er • ence<br/>/lim-ê-rêns/</p><p>A completly life altering state of mind, more than a "crush", very intense feelings of affection towards somebody else. When the feelings are unrequited, it can destroy ones life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

  * For [misseyre](https://archiveofourown.org/users/misseyre/gifts).



I suppose dying it's a good way to start.

Was this optimism? If yes that's a new low even for him. Troye wasn't entirely sure what he was supposed to feel at this very moment. Yes, he was afraid but that wasn't surprising. The surprising part was that he also felt eager. So eager for his torment to end. So eager to stop feeling like a burden to his own family. Was this a normal reaction? But come to think of it nothing has been really normal over the past year. Just because everyone around him acts like it's not a big deal doesn't make it so. I'm sorry but the fake it till you make it rule doesn't apply in this case.

And it's not that he doesn't love his family. He loves them beyond measure. But he hates looking at his mother as his doctors check with him and discerning easily the worry she's trying to hide behind a smile of reassurance. He smiles back. At least all this will be over soon. His heart and his brain will be brand new. His body will recover and with time he hopes that everything will go back to normal.

But deep down he only humors himself. His body may be the same but he will never truly be.

Maybe that's a good thing though. A new beginning. People always loved new beginnings, didn't they? And even though he didn't ask for one, he's definitely being given his.

His mother kissed him tenderly on the forehead and left to inform the rest of his family that the surgery was about to start.

Troye looked at the wall on his right. It was covered with a huge virtual window that displayed the image of a calming sea with a clear blue sky above it. Quiteunrealistic if you asked him.

"Excuse me? Nurse?" he practically yelled as the nurse was about to leave his room. "Could you please turn it off?" he asked politely while pointing at the window. The nurse made a rather disapproving face but he proceeded with what he asked. They both knew that the main reason the vwindows where there was to keep the patients calm and it was every hospital's policy to have them, but they also both knew that Troye hated it since day one.

The nurse placed his hand on a small recess on the wall and the vwindow disappeared soundlessly, reviling the view outside.

"Thank you."

"I'll be back with the doctors for your surgery in about 15 minutes." His tone was strict but he smiled encouragingly.

Now Troye was finally left alone. He let a big breath out and looked at the view presented at him. It might not be ideal. It might not be the utopian place everyone pretended, or wished for it to be but it was real. The night sky showed no evidence of the simmering stars and the bright lights from all the skyscrapers only highlighted the orange fog that was almost constantly there. He longed to be outside. Longed to listen to the almost unbearable traffic noise. The silence and calmness of hospitals scared him.

Troye was never one to hide away from the ugly truth or the troubles he faced. He smiled to himself. He was ready and he was going to come out stronger from this.

I suppose dying it's a good way to start.


	2. Chapter 2

 

2 years later

 

“Hey!” I greeted him with, as I felt, the last bit of strength leaving my body. I leaned and grabbed my knees trying to catch my breath. Fuck this. Exercise is the worst. “I… I think I need a minute.”

“And I think I need a drink.” At this my head snapped and I turned to stare at him. He wasn’t looking at me and he kept fiddling with the hem of his black jumper, trying –I presumed–to distract himself from his own painful thoughts. His eyes were red, like he’d been crying, even though I knew he wasn’t.  He didn’t cry anymore. He’s always been so strong and seeing him break made my heart ache.

“Was it that bad?” I asked carefully and watched him struggle to answer. Eventually he said nothing. He just bit his lower lip and nodded silently. “Come on… Let’s go somewhere.”

 

 

 “Are you fucking kidding me?” He sighed with anger as soon as he saw the drink I got for him.

All the way to the bar he didn’t say a word. And I knew that trying to talk to him wouldn’t make a difference. We’ve been down this road before. I just had to be there for him, like he’s always been for me. I just can’t help but feel that one day this won’t be enough.

“You’re only drinking a beer and that’s it!” I wasn’t joking around this time and he knew it. So he just took the glass from my hand and rolled-rather dramatically-his eyes.

For the next 30 minutes we played the game _let’s see how well you can ignore Troye!_ After drinking his beer in under 5 minutes, with me refusing to let him drink more, he proceeded to fully being a jackass examining every person that entered as if they were in a fucking fashion show.

“For fuck’s sake what is this new trend with the fucking cyborg parts being all glittery, like-“

“Dan! Will you shut the fuck up?” I yelled at him and he finally looked at me. I was starting losing it and, if it wasn’t for this annoyingly loud music, people would have been staring at me. “She loves you. Just go to her. You always figure it out.” Lowering my voice I stretched my arm and held his over the table for a few minutes until he relaxed.

“I’m a mess.” He exclaimed and covered his face with his hands.

“Aren’t we all?”I said almost to myself. “What happened?”

“The usual.” He shrugged and then went on talking and moving his hands around in frustration, mimicking his partner’s voice. “Why don’t you talk to me? Why don’t you let me in? Why are you always so morbid about our future together?”

“You know she’s right.”

“I do. But I can’t help it. There are times when we are perfectly fine and my thoughts and I ruin everything.”

“She understands you, Dan. I’ve seen you two together… And you don’t need to snap every time she worries. It’s only logical. She has emotions… Don’t you break down at times?”

“If you are referring to this “oven” incident-” He pointed a finger at me and I looked at him innocently.

“I swear I am not.” But I smirked and that earned me a kick under the table.

“I haven’t told Jane… But I love her.” He kept looking down. “And I’m afraid.”

“I know.”

We kept quiet for a few minutes while I was lost in thought. Dan was really lucky to have found Jane. She was truly remarkable and a miracle in his life. Just a miracle in general, actually, if she has the courage and the patience to deal with this one every day.  I remember when they first started dating… Dan was so nervous he invited me to their first date without her knowledge and I ended up third-wheeling to a stuttering Dan and a very awkward Jane. I wanted to say that I knew they would stay together, but I didn’t. Just the way they looked at each other gave me hope.

“What?” I realized he was trying to tell me something so I stopped daydreaming.

“This job thing. How is it going?”

“I’m volunteering, Dan.” I rolled my eyes, “It’s going well. It actually gives me a shot at a good university.”

“Fucking cancer.” He muttered shaking his head disapprovingly.  “It might not kill you anymore but it sure affects your academic career.”

“I survived cancer to be killed by your idiotic sense of humor.” I said pretending to be mad but laughed with him.

A year ago I could’ve never imagined that I would actually joke about something like this, but here I am. Sometimes it scares me how close to death I actually was. 60 years ago I would have died. I would have tragically died at the age of 15 leaving behind my family and friends to mourn me until I was forgotten. But now? Now I get a very expensive surgery that got rid of it and built me from scratch. Ok, maybe I’m exaggerating. Only my heart is completely gone. Everything else was left where it was. Fine, and a part of my brain but that’s it.

“Hey!” Dan called for my attention. “Is this mechanic part of your brain making you act all dumb or where you just born with it?”

“Shut up!”

 

**Ok, here's the first chapter! Tell me what you guys think.**

**Love you and thanks for reading!**


	3. Chapter 3

“Troye…”

Please don’t let it be a hospital day. Please don’t let it be a hospital day.

“It’s a hospital day for you.” I tried not to show my disappointment as she announced it very cheerily to me. Did she have to be so happy about everything?

To be honest, it wasn't the worst thing volunteering at the hospital, but today I wasn’t feeling well. It was just one of those days that I hated everything and I’d rather people didn’t talk to me. I noticed this happened more often than usual lately.

“Ms. Burr-“

“Troye… I’ve told you a million times. It’s Tanya. I’m not your teacher and I’m not that older than you.“ I opened my mouth, a cheeky answer ready at hand but she didn’t let me. “Don’t you dare comment on that. Now, what is it?”

I followed her around cause she didn’t bother staying put for me. That was Tanya; she was always around, always checking everything was running smoothly.

“I was wondering, if I could stay with Felix at the lab today?” Τhis made her stop dead in her tracks and I almost collided with her.

“I told you last time was last time.”

“But-“

“No, Troye. I got a warning from my supervisor last week. As surprising as it may be, I can’t control everything.” She wasn’t angry. She just sounded exhausted somehow.

“Sorry, Tanya.” She smiled kindly and went her own busy way.

I groaned. Great. Ι’d have to talk to all these terminally ill patients and try to cheer them up. Tell them how my experience made me stronger and if you choose hope anything is possible and all these cliché things that are supposed to make you feel better but leave you feeling more depressed. I mean these people were dying. They weren't going to, in the long run, but they were technically dying.

On that operating table that day, my heart stopped. They replaced it. They replaced the rotten part of my brain but that doesn’t mean I was okay. I spent a year of my life before that in pain. Trying to survive. Thinking that, maybe, I'd beat the cancer. Maybe I won’t need the surgery. And there were moments when I seriously considered giving up, thinking that perhaps it would be for the best, if I didn’t get any surgery at all and just put an end to it.

All these things change you.

So I refused to look at one of them and be all like “ _You have to look through the rain to see the rainbow”._ Fuck that.

I hadn’t realized I was mumbling to myself until I noticed that Felix was looking at me weird. And if Felix is looking at you weird… Well, that says something about you.

“Well, aren’t you a ray of sunshine today?” He smiled at the sight of me and messed with my curly hair. “I take it it’s a hospital day for you.”

“How did you guess?” I sighed and gathered my things.

I actually really liked working with Felix. He could be kind of crazy 85% of the time but he was really funny and you can learn a lot from him at the same time. My knowledge of mechanical engineering was far from perfect but I’d been improving and discovered that I enjoy this subject.

So, not very willingly, I left him and went to meet up with the rest of the interns waiting to be transferred to the hospital.

It was gonna be a long day. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, my lovelies!  
> So the first few chapters are a bit introductory and this story is shapping out to be around 30 chapters(maybe?).  
> Tell me what u think about this chapter!  
> Love you and thanks for reading.


	4. Chapter 4

 

I made sure I checked that every light and every device was turned off before I left the house. People today would look at me like I’m crazy, if I told them I still live in a house where everything works manually and not by a computer. That I had a fireplace and a conventional oven and not all these new machines that make everything without you in a few minutes . For me it was just routine. I loved living like this. Βeing in touch with everything around me gave me importance. There’re not many things left a human can do better than a machine these days.

I locked the door behind me and went outside. To my surprise, morning class was actually something I enjoyed, if you consider that I am not a morning person and need to drink at least three cups of coffee before 10 in order to be active all day. But photography is my passion and I’d work my ass off to get better. 

I checked my phone and had several missed calls from my mother. I didn’t want to speak to her. Her sudden interest made my stomach churn. I, also, had the usual message from Lilly saying she’ll meet me at the station and might be a little late. Of course I was  obliged to wait for her. I chuckled and placed my phone in my back pocket. This happened every morning, so by now I knew not to meet her at the time we arranged but half an hour later.

As soon as I reached the platform my phone started buzzing again. I really tried to ignore it but eventually I reached for it angrily.

“What?” I screamed, not caring about the old lady next to me giving me the side eye.

I expected my mother’s frustrated tone on the other end of the call but I was in for a surprise.

“Mr. Franta?”

“Yes.”

“We are calling from the Memorial Hospital to inform you that your father is about to be taken off life support-” Τhe voice kept going but I didn’t pay attention to it anymore. At once, my pulse quickened and my breathing became more erratic.

I knew this was going to happen. I knew it was going to be one of these days. I thought I was prepared. Guess I was not.

“Connor?” I heard Lilly’s voice as if she were miles away, even though she was standing right next to me holding my shoulders. When did she arrive? “What happened? Are you okay?”

“My dad.” I uttered and she gasped knowingly.

“Come on. I’m coming with you to the hospital.” And she started guiding me around, trying to find the correct platform for us to use.

I tried to tell her that I was fine...that I was capable of going by myself. But she wouldn’t listen to me. She just told me to stop being a dumbass and kept dragging me with her.

“Thank you.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear I meant to post this sooner.  
> Oh,well...  
> Thanks for reading, guys!  
> ~Aphro


	5. Chapter 5

 

When I arrived at the hospital my father was already dead. If you think about it, he’d been dead for some time but now it was official. Every machine that gave the illusion of life was gone.

I didn’t feel any different. I got to stare at his lifeless body before they took him away, but at the sight of him I felt nothing. I was just numb.  Wasn’t I supposed to feel pain?  Grief? Break down and cry? I felt like everyone was staring at me. Judging me for not hurting enough. For not projecting their idea of pain.

I don’t care if they think I didn’t love my father. They don’t know me. Maybe we weren’t that close. Maybe sometimes he was distant, but he was my father and he raised me all on his own. I owned him everything. My gratitude was bigger than my love. But was that so bad?

 My mother was speaking to a doctor, signing forms and taking care of all legal matters. I didn’t want her here. 

“I’m leaving.” I announced to no one in particular and went to find Lilly at the cafeteria.

“Wait! Connor.” She run after me in the long corridor. “Please come with me.” I didn’t bother stopping for her or her words. “Come live with us for a while. Brandon misses you terribly.”

“I don’t care. You both made a decision years ago.”

“Con-“

“Stop this. I don’t know what you think you’re doing, appearing after all these years but you’re not my family and I don’t owe you anything. Dad’s death changes nothing.” I stopped and faced her. “Do you really think I would leave everything? My school, my friends… To come and live with you? You abandoned us. You both did.”

I was causing a scene and I had just noticed that we had stopped in front of someone. I guess he was trying to pass through us but he just stood there frozen. His mouth was compressed from all the awkwardness and his cheeks were red from embarrassment, having been trapped in a situation like this. He looked at me and then my mother and then he repeated the action, his loose curls flopping around with every movement.

“Sorry.” He murmured, looked down and kept going at a pace much faster than normal.

 “Please don’t shut us out, Con…” She kept talking but the only thing I could hear was my own heartbeat. Am I sweating? She tried to touch me and I turned around. I thing I heard someone screaming. Did someone scream?

Oh, no. Unwanted memories resurfaced in my clouded mind and I tried to suppress them with no success. I didn’t want to remember. The fights. The yelling. My brother saying that he was leaving.

I didn’t know where I was going. I just knew I had to get away from her. I run. I run and opened the first door that came in sight.

“What are you doing in here?” I saw the outline of a figure putting its shirt on and I think they approached me.

Then I saw his eyes. Those blue eyes I came across with in the corridor. They were so clear and peaceful that, for a moment, I felt serenity.

“So clear…” I said to myself between manic breaths and he looked at me, terrified.

“You are hyperventilating.” His tone was calm. “Try to slow down your breathing.” He instructed me and got on his knees. When did I fall on the floor? “Look at me.” Then both his hands reached for my shoulders. “Take deep and slow breaths from your mouth…1…” I tried to do as he said but my breathing was erratic. “Let’s try it again…1…”

I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate on my own breathing. It felt like ages until I could feel myself calming down. Slowly my breathes became less fast and less shallow and my pulse was becoming more composed.

 “5….exhale…” My breathing went back to normal and that’s when I opened my eyes. He was still here, holding me firmly, as if he  let go of me, I would fall apart.  Worry was hiding behind his big eyes.

“Are you feeling better?” He asked tenderly and I tried to get up from the floor with no success. “Still dizzy?” I just nodded. “Let’s just stay here for a few minutes.”

I looked around me. I was in a room full of lockers and white robes.

“This room is provided for the interns. You know, leave our stuff, change...”

“You are an intern here?” My voice came out a little hoarse.

He smiled as he detected my surprise and my unsaid question.

“No. I’m too young to be doctor.  I’m in my last year in school and taking part in a volunteering program for extra credit.” He explained and I said nothing. I signed thinking about what happened with my mother. All I’ve ever known was hating her. And I kind of hated that too.

“I’m sorry about your father.” He said carefully. I said nothing. 

“I’m Connor…” I introduced myself and finally got up from the cold floor. I offered him my hand to help him up. He took it. He was slightly taller than me even though he was younger.

“Troye.”

“Thank you, Troye.” I said with a smile. It must have been the first time I smiled genuinely in a long time.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took forever.  
> Thanks for reading,guys!


	6. Chapter 6

The rest of the week had been exhausting. School was more demanding than ever. Felix, for some reason, kept scolding and yelling at me every time I did anything at the lab. Αt home, Sage kept arguing with mom and I always ended up with migraines.

“Troye, tell her there’s no need to worry.”

I kept playing with my food for the entirety of dinner, so I had no idea what they’ve been talking about. I just shrugged and let them continue their disagreement.

I haven’t been back to the hospital. I was grateful of course, but a part of me worried about the green-eyed boy. Connor.

He was so beautiful. Even while having a panic attack. I wanted so much to give him my number or ask him out for a coffee but I chickened out. His father had just died and it wasn’t like he was in the mental state to be thinking about dating. Plus he would probably have said no. A guy like him wouldn’t be alone. A guy like him wouldn’t be interested in me in the first place.

“Are you alright, Troye love?” my mother’s gentle voice interrupted my ongoing thoughts. “You keep getting lost in daydreams lately.”

 “I’m fine, mom.” It was always the easier answer. I got up and, after placing my plate on the sink, gave her a kiss on the forehead. “I think I’m gonna go see Dan, ok?”

“Ok… Don’t be too late.” At this Sage started complaining once again about how she’s never allowed to do anything. I just rolled my eyes and got out of there as fast as I could.

 

Dan’s place (I should actually say Dan and Jane’s now) wasn’t far away from mine, so I usually walked there. There was a sense of familiarity surrounding every step I took, as I grew closer and closer to the brown-stoned house. I remembered all the times I’d sneak into his house as a kid to play with him because his parents wouldn’t allow him in mine after a certain time. 

He really was my one true friend.

One of the good things that cancer brought into my life was that it showed me who truly were there for me, and who were just passing by. People that I loved, people that I knew my whole life abandoned me. People I barely knew started acting like we, somehow, were long-lost friends just to pat themselves on the back for being a good person. And people who didn’t even know me started hating me just because parts of me had been made from metal.

Dan was always there.

Once I reached the doorstep, I heard the familiar mechanic sound and a small recess covered in glass on the door made its appearance. It scanned my eyes and soon I was let in.

I was passing the entrance when Jane showed up.

“Hey, Troye.” She stood there with firmness, her arms at each side of her body. She always exuded an air of confidence but right now she had a look in her eyes that caused me pain. “He’s not with you?”

“What? No.” I said confused and started catching on what must have happened.

“We had another fight and he left.” I went to her and hugged her.

“Don’t worry. I’ll find him.” But I was afraid my words meant nothing to her.

“Please bring him back.”

 

“You are an asshole!” I shoved him but that did little to no damage to him. “How much have you had to drink?” He just shrugged and placed his head on the table.

After looking for him at literally any place that served alcohol, I realized it wouldn’t be so easy. So I started searching at these underground pubs that -not to mention were illegal in the first place- were shady af and gave me the creeps.

“Why are you here, Dan? There are people with illegal cyborg parts here. For fuck’s sake, a man two minutes ago asked me to buy drugs from him! Is this the place you wanna be?” I tried to get his attention but it wasn’t working.”You are not listening to a single word I say, do you?”

Fuck it. I sighed and sat on the stool next to him. I ordered a drink from the bald man behind the counter. After looking at me in a very suspicious way, I gave him some money and, in less than a minute, I had a very colorful and very strong drink in my hands.

“I just don’t understand why.” At this point I was just talking to myself and Dan just hummed from time to time. “You have someone to love. Isn’t that meant to be enough? But still… And you, after everything that happened with Phil-“

“Don’t.” He sounded so broken.

“I just wish I had someone. Someone to love. Maybe everything would be a lot easier.”

“You just have to take a look at me to disprove your theory.” I chucked at his response.

“You… You are making everything hard for yourself.” I said, but I don’t think he heard me because he started complaining about the banging noise in his head.

“Let’s go, old man. You just can’t hold your liquor anymore. ”

“Jane… Did you tell her I’m ok?”

“Of course I did. As soon as I found you.” I got up and prompted him to follow me. “Come on. You’re gonna sleep at my place tonight.”

**Author's Note:**

> A/N  
> Ok, this is my first ever fic so...be gentle! I hope you guys like it. Love you & thanks for reading!
> 
> Go give some love to my amazing friend and crazy editor Nasia! I wouldn't have done this without her. Here's her beautiful tumblr http://almost-unearthly-thing.tumblr.com/


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